Mama Tired!

Ugh. I am so exhausted I could puke! Never have I been so tired that sleeping was no help. It might sound strange, but Im beginning to think the little boogers are plotting on me (and their grandmother is a co-conspirator). I feel bad that I dream about dropping them off at their father's house and just take off RUNNING! Foot to ass. Screw the car, I dont need it.

Oh yea, and if the Children of the Corn werent enough.... I have to go back to work on Monday. Sweet Mother I'm beat. I want to do absolutely nothing! I mean NOOOOTHIIIIING! To the point where my personal hygene has taken a turn for the worst. I'm pretty sure my "natural oils" have started to resurface.

Threes Company

Today I did the most exciting thing I've done since getting a boyfriend with a car. Today was the official closing up of ye old baby shop. Yep! Thats right, NO MORE BABIES! Not everyone can understand my glee, but trust me three kids in three years. Uh Uh. No mas. I declare today Uteral Independence Day!

Sorry Mommies

Lately, I've noticed The Punisher trying to gain a new outlook on her love life. I have also noticed that yours truly is being absolutely no help. My anger is seriously interfering with my Psychological know-how ( one semester at college). I guess its just hard for me to believe a good, strong, loving man who loves me and my THREE (count 'em) children exsists. But what am I saying to my mother and other single moms? How do I make them feel, when I venting my feelings? I am all for women feeling good about themselves; especially moms; especially single moms. We give constantly and there is NO ONE to return the favor. Mothers are still women who require love, kindness, and true companionship ( someone footin' the bill dont hurt either) who am to declare we should all give up hope. Plus lets face it, the chicks in my town who like to kiss girls look absolutely nothing like Katy Perry. So lezin it out aint an option either. Im sorry single mommies. Im supposed to be a breath of fresh air (narcasisitic comment of the day) and instead I'm being sulfuric bitch. Sigh. Im just angry. Angry that this was not the life I planned. As much as I like typing away at midnight every night I would much rather be with the person I love. Unfortunately, that person no longer exsists. I've had to swallow that truth, without lube, as The Punisher would so eloquently put it. And because of the pain caused by excepting the man I loved no longer exsists I have to believe that a new, better man doesnt either. Just in case that is the truth.

Oooo Mommy You let Yourself Go!

Dont cha just luv that shampoo commercial that reminds you that your a nappy-headed, dirty walking uterus. You know. The one that reminds you that you've let yourself go. Im sure they make some chicks want to by conditioner but it just makes me want to stand on a whobbly chair witha rope necklace. I freakin know I let myself go advertising bastards! Ya dont have to remind me in between shows on the happy box. You know what? As I ponder the concept of 'letting myself go' I realize that this means more than just hairy legs and the vomit-mustard combo on my shirt. Once one becomes s mother your constantly told the things you used to enjoy are not "something a mother should do". What the hell does that mean. Case in point. Mama loooooves piercings and tatoos. Since me and my other personalities couldnt decide on what kind of ink I should get I decided to pierce my tongue. Then baby number one arrives and the Punisher ( loud roar) is quick to tell me piercing are strictly a violation of the mommy dress code. And I listened! My whole life I took pride in being the asshole kid that never listened to my parents ( includung that crap about matches- what do they know anyway?) but this time I actually listened. Usually I would let something like this go (yeah right) but I realize that Ive done this crap B.C. (BEFORE CHILDREN) Ive always had sort of a more alternative sense of style. And while in high school I started dressing like everyone one else, talking like everyone else , smoking weed like everyone else ( oh wait that was my idea) just to fit in. Now that Im a tax paying, birthin beh behs adult, Im still doing the shit. What kind of black sheep am I? I think about my father (nickname pending). He is an obvious homosexual but he refuses to be himself because he is afraid of what people will think of him. I just knew that when my step-mother died a few years ago that he would finally get a cute boy toy that would be the Sugar in his Cane. But alas, we are still living a lie. Maybe him and I could be closer. Hell, Im a gay man on the inside, we'd have a lot to talk about. Anywho, thats not who I want to be. Dont get me wrong. I too worry about what others will say. Especially the Punisher. She aint one for keeping opinions to herself. (Note: Last year my hair was Hot Pink and she called my Grandmother, the Ear Piercer, for an intervention)I sat today looking at the Manic Panic hair dye website trying to guess which color would please the Freak in me and the Judgemental in my mother. Arent I an adult? I have every right to look like Red Fraggle if I please. I feel like Im being someone Im not. And me no likey! So fellow mamas screw volumizing shampoo, lets get back to who we are all the way. Im pretty sure you can be a good mom and a little edgy at the same time. Hair color and tattoos dont hurt the kiddies! Look at Cher! Her daughter grew up to be an intelligent, well rounded adult who married a nice girl. Im sure my boys will do the same.

Mommy Cant Pee Pee On Her Self

Recently, my three year old has reverted back to peeing on himself. Why do you ask? Hell, if I know. Im still trying to figure out why he finds Spongebob so interesting. I keep trying to figure out why my big boy all of sudden wants to be the baby again. So far the only concept that makes any sense ( I did wonder if he was just one of those weird kids who enjoy writing their name in piss on the lanolium) he cant take all the change that is happening. Dad is gone, a new baby is here, and we all keep bringing up some crap called "Pre-K". This must be the only way he can express his frustration. I guess I can relate to little man's plight. All those same changes are happening to Mommy too. I cant pee on myself ( trust me I've tried) so lately I expressed my frustration through fits of rage. I mean full on 'terrible-twos' temper tantrums. Now, obviously (based on previous blogs and the diaries of my high school classmates) I am a little harsh and maybe a teensy bit bitter. As much as I try, I cant control my anger.
As a little fart I was taught to be tough, and hard. My mother, or The Punisher as I like to refer to her, was very serious about instilling 'the toughness' in yours truly. Now as a grandmother she is constantly on my case about my lack of feminine nurturing qualities. MOTHERS! Maybe I should be doing more to put him at ease. I need to reassure him that certain things in his life will reamin constant: He has two brothers who love him, he's secretly grandma's favorite, Spongebob is on all freakin day, and he has an incredibly hot mom. Unfortunatly, I dont think I can take the same approach with my own aversion to change. The only constants I have right now are dirty diapers. I know I have my kids, but its my job to take care of them not the other way around. When my father left I felt responsible for the Punisher ( still do ) and that is a lot of pressure on a little kid. I dont want that for him. I have no friends, no spouse, no real life what so ever. Im just trying to figure things out one day at a time. On my own. At least my beh beh boy has me to help him figure his situation out. I just hope he figures out how to aim in the process.

Sad Mommy

I decidid to take my little one to the mall today. You know, just to get out for a while and do a little people watching. I initially sat in the food court, but by the third dirty comment from unemployed old men, I thought I should head to the kiddie play area. So there I sat. Convincing myself that this was fun. I started to look around and see the number of "nuclear families" and wedding rings. I felt like a freak. A lonely freak. "Why dont I have that?" I thought "Why couldnt I have this?". Yes, I was the one who ended my realtionship ( it was soooo neccesary) but I stayed as long as I did because I genuinely wanted a family. Everyday I have to fight off loneliness ( ridiculous huh? I sleep with three other people and Im lonely). Do mommies get a second chance at love? Dont get me wrong the thought of a man trying to ask me out while Im pushing a double stroller and lugging a baby Bjorn is appauling! But one day? I mean come on lets be real this mommy stuff aint meant to be a one man show. I used to feel guilty for not being satisfied with the family I have. I mean hey, I've got adorable kids and they've got me (and frankly, Im AMAZING) so whats the problem? The problem is single moms are still women. Women with the desire for real companionship. Sadly, I have had to consider being alone forever. I mean all self-pity aside its hard enough to find love when you dont have three little kids and the ex from hell. 21 and prepairing to die alone. I know, Im a sick sick kid. But dont cry for me Argentina, If being an old maid is my destiny then I've got a plan: When you we were little kids and we got lonely what did we do? Make one up of course! Yep! The Imaginary Spouse*. Hell yea. No dirty underwear, he doesnt cheat, or hog the covers. Granted, he isnt much help with the kids or the bills, but TRUST ME Im used to that. I think I'll name him Frank....


* The Imaginary Spouse is not an idea to be taken seriously. I am not really insane, I just pretend to be for my own pleasure. Single mommies please: do not let me catch you holding hands with air

Mommies and Daddies

Let me start this post with a disclaimer: Im a bitter ass. There you go. Lets move on. (Clearing throat for dramtic effect) MEN SUCK. hey I told ya. I just dont understand it seems like its a never ending battle between us and them. Even for those who sold their soul - I mean got married, there is just no winning with them. Yes, I can be a honest little girl and tell everyone that I am going through a break up ( Nobody puts Baby in a corner) but hear me out. It just seems to me that they hate us. I mean they like having sex with us, eating the meals we make, and not looking like a homosexual ( holler to the family! woop woop!) but im telling you lady friend he hates you.Ok tramp who thinks you have a perfect marriage, riddle me this... Has he ever tried to put 'nasty things' in your mouth, ear, hair etc? SEE! He hates you. ok ok ok. i know. Hate is a strong word (fyi I used it A LOT! if I didnt give birth to you there is a pretty good chance I think you suck) and Im sure your dude loves you even when your clothes are on and your talking about Greys Anatomy. That does not however squash your epic power struggle. Your stinkin love for each is merely lubrication for the days in and out you have to deal with his 'man crap'. No, women are not perfect either. I mean we want men to respect us as equals and treat us like princesses; be honest and tell us we dont look fat even when you look like Jiggles McEat Em Ups. So I guess we suck too.Well, relationships should have a system of checks and balances. Uh huh, so the next time he tries to do 'nasty things' again tell him " I'll only comply if you 'do me' tomorrow"

"DO ME" def-

I will go to work, come home and watch football/basketball or whatever homoerotic sport is in season while you...
Fix Breakfast half dressed
Drop the (crying) kids at school
Go to work not knowing there is puke on your shirt
Show strength and confidence without coming across as a bitch
Convince yourself the nachos you just ate fulfill your daily calcium requirements
Avoid the advances of a homeless man who somehow could afford a dog and gold tooth
Go back to work not knowing you have puke and nachos on your shirt
Try to sneak away early because the day care is convinced your kid has the ebola virus
Be called a really mean name by the lady in the next car (her days been pretty similar)
Fight the nachos that are coming back with a rengence
Pick up (crying kids) from school
Realize your covered in puke
Take three hungry/sleepy kids to the grocery store
Cook a meal
Notice your bra has reached its 18th hour
Type your report with one hand
Tuck kids in
Dont bathe
Colapse into bed
Have pretend your have a headache tonight

Who is Your Mommy? Literally

They say everyone has a purpose in life, thus far my has been birthin' babies. I am sure that most mothers feel like a part of them gets lost in the poop and Dora the Explorer ( dont tell my kids but I hate that skank). So where do we go from here. Lately, I've had to stop and really think... where did my dreams go??? I had my first child after my first semester of college;"finding myself" was completely out of the question. There I was, an idiot having a baby with a dumbass. It was exactly the way I pictured it... Him and my mother arguing over my crotch while I prayed silently that God would kill me (insert pity here, please). I was a mom. And after having two more children, with the same dumbass ( rethink pity here), I finally said out loud " I used to want to sing ya know". Bam! Im back to wanting more out life than getting to pee by myself. So what now? Do I search for self fulfillment or do I give up my dreams and try to find common ground with Dora the Explorer? Hell no I say. I remember when I was in high school I told a teacher that Id sooner grow a custom pair of nads between my legs before I let myself be mediocre. So today when I wasnt checking for my "broken promise ball sac" I wrote. I wrote a lot, and I found out Im not as deep as I thought. Im a tough broad with a lot of wit and dark humor;Im also a little girl who dreams of broadway and prince charming , and Im also a mommy who aint afraid of a little poop or a stray booger. You see, thats the thing about becoming a mother. Your are now a complete woman. You juggle and multi-task everyday to be the best mom you can be.... why can you add YOURSELF to the heap. Oh, shut up you can do that